Jupiter saloon: a western story

Johnny West was drinking at the bar. He was stiff as old plastic and covered in Marx. He'd had another brawl with Cheif Cherokee who'd whacked him with his frying pan.

He was daydreaming about his girl Jane West and the beans they'd eat that night when in walked a stranger with a large green brain.

"Rootin tootin!" exclaimed Johnny without opening his mouth.

"What'll it be partner?" asked the bartender, "lime cordial?". He was pleased as punch with this bar humour when the green brained man spoke.

"What year is this humans?" he enquired.

"Just check my back for me Bartender. What's it say?" said Johnny.

"1966" he replied raising Johnny's rubber waistcoat.

"By Jupiter,  I'm ten years too late to see Einstein. Who is the brainiest human alive humans?"

"Well you could talk to Professor Stephen Hawking but since he was never made into an action figure you'll have to make do with Captain Doctor Lazer Manhattan over at Mattel" said the bartender filling a glass with lime juice.

"Where is this Mattel you speak of?" replied the green brained man.

At this point Johnny got off his stool and stood up straight. He was a good ten feet taller than the stranger.

"Now just a rootin tootin minute there Mister, we ain't saying diddley till you tell us your name, where youre from and what you want" he demanded visibly stiffening in his boots.

"I am Callisto from the Planet Jupiter. I bring the solution to the mystery of the universe, the grand unifying theory that will give articulated beings unlimited power and understanding" he said.

"Rooting tootin" gasped Johnny.

"Callisto at your service Rootin Tootin" holding out his green gloved hand.

"And just where do you store all this unlimited knowledge and power Callisto" enquired Johnny as he saw an opportunity to loosen Cherokee's rigid grip on him once and for all.

"It is here in my bellows-powered purple shoulder string theoriser" informed Callisto.

"He's got jolly good bellows" admired Johnny and the bartender.

Callisto turned to go to find the town of Mattel when Johnny drew his Colt 45 shouting:

"Hey Brainiac, your're not going anywhere until you zap me with that fancy lasso. Forget the unlimited knowledge and Cheif Cherokee, I just want to have the full-posability, multi-jointedness and smooth lines of the longest surviving action figure there is in the future"

Callisto nodded and pumped his corrugated arm sending a flash of cosmic thread towards the cowboy. The alien's right lobe swelled and the bar was filled with the scent of sun tan lotion.

Out of the shadows stepped the new figure.

Callisto purred and said "Lets go Barbie!"

*