Watching Saturday morning telly at Moonbase is a high-tech overload these days.
Gone are the cuddly antics of Scooby Do and the Double Deckers.
In are stories about this week's new sizzling gadgets and the white-hot world they'll create for us in the new Frontier.
This morning was a silicon Molotov that burst over me in waves of increasing tech utopia. I felt like the Lawnmower Man pumped with data bundles.
First was an advert straight from the movie Robocop - you know the ones, asking 'do you wanna know more?' - this time for a new kind of bicycle by the young upstart of UK lawnmower magic called Gtech, who are snapping at the heels of suction kings Dyson. The 'break free' bike, as its called, although I'm unsure, has a battery, which kicks in when you give up and its not a lawnmower.
Bike batteries have been around for decades. I saw them in the Sixties I'm sure and my old Father in Law has one on his pushiron even now. Its not the idea but the new marketing, which makes it so Robocop. Its done in a calm, soporific voice slowly but convincingly extolling the benefits of effortless biking in our beautiful chic cities. There's no chain, just a 'clean carbon belt', the emphasis on the word clean. The new world in which we'll 'break free' will be clean and effortless!
I should like it, I really should but something seeps darkly at its heart and I don't know what.
This gtech ad was followed by a piece in the news about drones. We will apparently be seeing a lot more of them in our daily lives. The chap droned on [he may have been one] about how we might intercept an unwanted drone using a net gun. A net gun? First of all why would we encounter an unwanted drone in the clean, beautiful, effortless cities of the gtech advert and where on the battery bike would be store a net gun? The saddle? Maybe they could be fitted between the handlebars like a UFO Interceptor missile?
To further complicate matters it would now seem that we should all be remotely viewing who comes to our doors with a new gizmo from an outfit called Ring. Now the word ring always makes me think of the one ring to bind them all but ignoring that unwanted shadowy notion for now the tech basically allows you to see who is ringing your clever new door-bell from wherever you are in the world.
This neat fresh nology apparently gives you the chance to say appropriate things like 'leave it on the doorstep' to the bemused postman whilst you cycle without effort up the pristine inclines of Eldorado or alternatively inappropriate stuff like 'get lost buster, I've got one' to the scented salesman attempting to flog you a battery-powered city bike, which you already own and upon which you are cruising without breaking a sweat up the new aerial cycleway on Mount Everest netgunning unwanted post office drones on the way.
It all reminds me of Max Headroom's blip blip blip blipverts.
Yep, I can feel my head exploding.